走出自我认知的黑箱

 

上周在图书馆闲逛的时候，无意间看到了这一本书。这是关于心理和自我调节的书。而作者是希望读者阅读后，能够构建更新的自我认知，让幸福成为生活的常态。 以下便是在下小小的感想～

作者从原生家庭开时，讲述了我们于童年痛苦记忆和原生家庭的纠结。虽然说我们现在的不良行为和决定不能完全怪罪于原生家庭，但多多少少都会被它影响。怎么影响的我就别在这里班门弄斧了，若有兴趣的话，无妨去图书馆借读。我今天要分享的呢，是我在其中感悟到如何放过自己，让自己从黑箱里头走出来，和自己和解。 

很多时候，我们不是因为无法走出黑箱而是我们在潜意识里，一直疯狂的逼迫自己成为黑箱里头的奴隶。从而，不断地在身上加上无数的枷锁。可能是习惯了其中的痛苦吧，好像形成我们无法想象能够幸福一样。 

生活的磨难和痛苦本是常态。唯一能够让内心平静的方法就是接受这是常态，并且和自己内心的挣扎共乘和解。犯错也是人之常情，没有一个人可能毫无瑕疵，十全十美。倘若我们能够接受人无完人，那么就可以在我们的心理空出以个空间装下那个我们所认为不够好的，就的自己。接受自己的不完美，可能就是真正接纳自己的开始。书中说的，当我们成功接受自己的不完美，我们在能够在这种接受中不再小号能量去抵抗，去谴责，去逃避那个原始的自己。或许我们真的很糟糕，但有了这种接纳后，我们能在心平气和的状态中去寻找并且塑造另一个新的自己。

若要活成自我，就别总是在别人的定义中寻找自我。人的定义总是会改变，而重复的改变只会使我们迷失自己，乱了自我的定义。首先，我们得给自己拟定位置 - 而这个位置是别人不能随便去更改的。因为这是自己拟定的自我定义。其二，打从心里的去明白自己的价值观是什么。别人的价值观是可以被参考，但是不能因为自己想要模仿他而把他的价值观成为自己的中心。最后，试着静下心来凝听内心的声音。不要让心声被世界的杂声给淹没了。能够这么做，可能我们能够活得比较明确和自在，因为我们能够慢慢的看清什么是自己真的想要的，和什么是从外面投向我们的绳子。

这本书也提醒了我应该要好好的保护内心的小孩。我们的内心里可能都隐藏着一个小孩子。而这个小孩子无法随着岁月的流失而成长。反而，他会随着时间的流失在心理越藏越深，又是深到连我们自己都无法察觉。而这孩子代表的是我们最初的心，最原始和最单纯的梦想和执着。只是当我们长大的时候，那小孩的思想总是被种种的眼光和意见鄙视，渐渐的，那小孩开始不相信自己任何的梦想是值得的。慢慢的，那小孩变成不安，暴躁，不开心。但是，因为现实中的年龄和心中的小孩并不搭乘，我们只能继续隐瞒。不料的是，每当我们想要去追求梦想，开始为我们梦寐以求的目标前进时，那不安的小孩便会开始作祟。“你根本不够好”，“你还要试吗？根本是在白费力气”，“你看看某某人，和你一样年纪就成功了，你是个失败者”，“没有人会爱你的”，“不管再怎么奴隶，你都不可能会成为优秀者”等的负面思想会开始打压我们的信心。或许这是因为我们从来没有好好的安慰内心的孩子，去鼓励他，和爱护他。当我们能够温柔的对待我们内心的孩子，也是我们成功开始和自己和解的时候吧。因为那孩子也同时代表着我们的软弱和无助。但是即便是无助，我们也能够接受这样的自己。

这本书并非是仙丹，能够治愈我们内心所有的伤和痛。但是看见和了解便是我们开始允准我们走出黑箱的开始。挫折还是会发生，难过和不如意的事常八九，但是若我们成为自己最大的支持者，人生道路上可能些许会少一点寂寞吧。 

人生规划

最近在FB读了白樱的部落格。在文中提到我们每一个人都有属于自己的人生和规划，因此不必盲目地去追求别人的生活。

当我们产生嫉妒的心理，和他人攀比的时候，我们可能会企图把我们的人生目标换成他人的目标。但是，别人的路终究不是我们该走的路。若执意的走下去，我们可能会在茫茫的道路上迷失自我。

从小到大，我总是追这别人的影子长大。我以为如果我能够成为某某人，或者成为父母心中的某某成功人士，我便会快了。但我渐渐的意识到，就算我成功地抵达那目的地，其实我一点也不快了。反而，心中产生迷惑和失落。那么久以来，我一直以别人的标准为自己的标准 - 难怪生活中好像越来越迷茫。 

渐渐的，我开始想为自己而活，开始寻找自己的方向。但是，当我们开始寻找不一样的人生道路时，一定会引来异样的眼光和意见。

比如说，我一直以来都很想学习新的语言，而那次看上的语言便是韩语。当我问问周围人的想法时，得到的确实些负面的想法。他们都说学习这些东西没什么用处。原因是因为我都不在韩国，都没有打算去韩国，或者说根本没有练习韩语的机会，学了实在是浪费金钱时间。一开始我真的动摇了。我本打算放弃这想法 - 可能真的不实际？可是想来想去，我还是决定去报名学习韩语课程了。值得庆幸的是，至今我并没有后悔过。反而，我在这学习的过程中获得非常多的收获，很高兴我并没有因别人的否定而放弃自己的初中。 

在人生道路中，一定会有我们的支持者和否定者。虽然说我们不应该完全的忽略否定者的意见，但我们要试着从中吸取精华，去除糟粕。该听的我们便听，不该接受的意见就让它随风而去吧。从大学时期开始，我便以为毕业后就得像别的成功人士一样去考研究院才算得上有一番成就。但我也渐渐的明白，那是别人的路，别人的选择 - 我不必以他们的人生结构为自己的标准。 

很无奈的是，我们终究无法控制别人的嘴和意见。比如说，很多朋友都告诉我我这年龄结婚，是不是太早了，毕竟还没有经历生么人生体验呢。又有人说最好是早结婚早定下早生子越好，这才算的上美满人生。而这些幸福美满的定义到底是取决于哪儿呢？反正不是我。不必去太在意别人人生的定义，努力去寻找自己的人生吧。反正我们怎么样都不可能活成别人眼中成功的定义，那么我么又何苦逼迫自己委屈求全呢？ 

如果说你们已经大半辈子以他人的标准生活，开始感到疲惫不堪，现在开始自己的人生并不迟。自古以来，我们女生总是有数不完的规矩和礼仪的恪守，虽然说现在时代不同了，以往的枷锁可能渐渐被解开了，但是那枷锁总是以另外一种方式被呈现出来。我们努力的活出自己心中幸福的模样吧。我们不必被任何定义绑架，只要是不犯法，不伤人的，尽管去试一试吧。若失败了，再试一下。我们终究是在自己的赛道上赛跑，而在这赛道上的参赛者，都是不同时期的自己而已。

三八妇女节快乐！

Thoughts on brevity of life

    It is rather unnerving to see news of people having unnatural deaths recently. It's as if there is a curse placed when there is string of deaths occurring. The recent events of people dying at totally unexpected situations, people who toyed with danger and just mere accidents got me thinking about how fragile and temporal our existence could be. 

    In Psalm 90:12 the Psalmist cried out to the Lord to teach us to number our days so that we may gain wisdom. In the midst of hundreds over verses in the book of Psalm, it seemed like a verse which I would casually browse through at my age. I mean, what could possibly happen at my age right? I've barely started living my adulthood! However, as I began to tune in to how brief our lives on earth could be, I began to appreciate the meaning in this verse. No one could absolutely know when the expiry date of our lives would be and the next moment could be the end of our lives. The awareness of the brevity of our lives help us focus on things that are truly important to us. When we know that there is a dateline to our projects, we become more focused and aim to complete the job before the dateline. I think this would apply to our lives if we were to live each day as our last and be prepared before we are gone. 

    I started to reflect if I have been wasting my life on unnecessary pursuits and if I could live my life in an eternal perspective instead. When I viewed my life in this lens, many things which I felt was important became less of a priority while things that used to be less of a priority seemed to have moved up the ladder of importance. 

    This shift in perspective can be described as a rather out of the world experience when I began to view things in the eternal perspective. Questions I would ask myself would be: would this matter in a few years time? Is this really worth the fight and unhappiness? Would I hold this of importance if I knew that today would be my last? Of course, I am far from any saint or enlightened beings in the spectrum of time but I do enjoy such meta-life questions once in a while. It makes find that one thing that is important in the hustles and bustles of life where I tend to just live life as the current pushes me along. As I flow along the currents of life, at least I am aware that this is a journey of no return and the journey forward is the only way I could possibly go. 

    Hence, what this new insight gave me was to live life in the present. There is no point holding on the past hurts and grudges because there is simply no time to waste living in misery. My countdown timer will only get shorter and shorter and every minute spent in misery is one minute less spent in joy and happiness. I guess we often punish ourselves unknowingly by holding to past hurts and mistakes inflicted by our family, friends and other people around us. The hurt has already been inflicted and that person probably has forgotten about it or was never aware of it. So why continue punishing ourselves in our minds? With this thought in mind, I'm learning how to look at my life in a macro-perspective compared to a micro one and it helps me in resolving past conflicts. I am responsible for my own life, happiness and the only way I am going to make this life count is to live in the present and move forward.

    Similar to the previous point, I am also learning how to manage my own reaction towards possible unfairness, injustice and hurt. As I release myself from past unhappiness, I cannot stop future events from happening. However, I am able to control how I choose to respond to future events. Often, I find myself getting angry or annoyed because someone has been rude, difficult and just impossible to please. It is definitely natural to feel angry when I am being disrespected and stepped all over. While I do not agree with being a doormat and that I should always draw clear boundaries with such people, perhaps it is unnecessary to invest too much negative emotions into such situations. When we are presented with negative emotions, we can either choose to entertain it or ignore it. I've started having this internal monologue telling myself that it is not necessarily to get angry in several situations because it does not contribute to improving the situation. Instead, concentrate on what constructive and if there isn't anything I could possibly do about it, I could always manage my own emotions. 

    Lastly, the brevity of life has also reminded me that we are but nomads in this life. Nothing we own now could be ours forever and we are merely tenants on earth. Hence, the materials, fame, money, accolades that we so dearly covet after are meaningless once we are taken away abruptly. While there is nothing wrong in pursuing those in its essence, but do not forget to give back and be a light that shines for others when we still possibly can. It is a reminder to myself to not forget to spend time with those who matter and not to waste time on those who don't. Stop chasing after people/things that generate negative returns, hoping that they will one day make my life worthwhile. The things and people that I have are what I need and I what I need I already have. 

    In line with living a minimalistic and clutter free life, removing the thoughts that clutter my mind will also free myself more. The more we are aware of how ephemeral our lives are, the more crystal clear we would be about what we need in our lives. 

    Stay safe and stay woke :) 

My Valentines day!

 Chinese New year and valentines day happen to fall on the same day this year but because of COVID and its regulations, things were quite different. 

Valentines day this year was a little bit more special than the previous years although there wasn't really a celebration or the typical flowers gifting. In fact, I found this year's v day closer to heart because we both valued and treasured what was more important - relationship. 

I'm not dissing the flower gifting and candle light dinners going around the globe during V day but for us, as cliche as it sounds, every other day could be valentines day and it need not be the 14 Feb. 

Yes! So there weren't any fancy flowers or atas restaurant dates (we did go to Collins and eat yesterday) but there was a mutual understanding that simple appreciation of each other triumphs all other gifts. 

To me, it signified a sort of emotional growth on my part as I know longer compared myself to my friends on Instagram and how fancy their valentines day was. Although they went on fancy restaurants, received beautiful flowers, jewellery etc, I knew in my heart that I am still contented and happy without those. Life is much lighter when I am not weighed down by much desires. **disclaimer, I'm happy for those who received the gifts, not trying to judge them or what** 

I guess we don't really have to fluff up or enhance any relationship with materials. What's most important in any relationship be it bgr or friendships is that the hearts are close together. While Valentines day is a great day to show appreciation to your other half, don't forget to show love on non special occasions as well :) 

This is a meant to be a short post, so here i am wishing everyone a belated v day and happy chinese new year :)

Update on Poh Kim Jewellery

 Hello! I'm back with the update on my newly collected rings from Poh Kim Jewellery :)

It took about a month or so from our first appointment for our rings to be done so if brides to be have a short timeline, I think PK may be able to rush for you. The main reason for this fast and furious workmanship (with quality as well) is that they have an in house lab as mentioned in my previous post! I believe that with an in house lab, the quality can be better controlled as well and less time is wasted on delivery etc. From what I know after enquiring with multiple branded jewellery shops, they do not have factories in Singapore to save costs and hence they will have to get their rings from overseas factories. This means that there will be unexpected delays in shipping due to COVID-19, CNY, public holidays etc, which may ultimately affect your ring collection date. 

Here's the outline of today's post:

1. Quality 

2. Service 

3. Cost 

4. Conclusion 

Ok, enough with the side track. Here are our rings !! :) 

I love it!!!! Paiseh, obviously my fingers aren't finger model standard - so just look at the ring ok. 

Quality:

Definitely worth the weight in gold. When we went around for ring shopping, T and I saw many similar designs with varying prices and weight. One of the jewellery we went to quoted us $1k +++ for the exact same design (1 ring only hor!) and with comparable weight to the one we have now. Another jewellery shop offered a cheaper price but the weight was much lighter than the one we have. This meant that the ring is likely to have a hollow centre (less gold). 

In terms of quality and finish, I think it is comparable to all the big brands we went to and the price was OMG so good! The rings were very well polished and we have nothing to complain about :) happy! The rings came together in a box as shown in the picture above so we did not have to worry about getting another box. Of course, if you want a fancier box on your actual day, you may have to source on tb or something. Otherwise, we are happy with the presentation. 

Service: 

We booked an appointment to collect our rings on a Saturday. We were served quickly although there were other couples choosing rings etc. No time wasted and efficient service. Recommended! The aunties and uncles were really friendly and created a homely environment. T & I are also considering to return to them to make our Si dian jin (四点金). Oh yes, I forgot to mention that they do have customisation service as well. You can follow them on their instagram page @pohkimjewellery to check out their designs. I believe that they are able to produce anything as long you have an idea of what you want or best still, come with a picture lol. 

Aunty said that should we get fat and the rings cannot fit anymore by the end of the ring, they offer free resizing service! Hopefully T and I will not need to utilise this service ><

Cost: 

In total, our set of rings was $1290. We paid $200 deposit on the first visit and subsequently $1090 when we collected the rings. Payment only by cash, cheque or paynow transfer only. So sorry, no cashback :( overall payment was fuss free. 

While I expected my ring to cost more than T's because of those beautiful and exciting shiny diamonds, it turned out that his was more expensive (not by a lot la). That's probably because he has gigantic hands compared to my miniature version and thus more gold had to be casted into his haha. I love how solid the rings feel in our hands and the price is definitely worth it. 

For the accurate break down of the cost, my ring costs $630 and weighs 2.87g and T's ring cost $660 and weighs 5.30g. GST absorbed by them (kamsahamnida!!!) 

Initially, I was a little worried because almost all the shops I went to quoted us at least $800 plus for this ring design and there was no way we could fit into our budget... but omg, I feel so lucky that PK is able to deliver this design for us at such affordable price! Really really blessed :) 

Comfort: 

We chose the flat internal surface for better fit. T and I do not like to feel something on our fingers when wearing the ring and thus the aunty recommended a flat internal surface fit. You can opt for other fits if you wish but if you desire ergonomic comfort fit then I would recommend a flat internal fit! 

We chose an exterior surface that did not have much protrusion so that it wouldn't get caught in gloves should we wear them during work. This is important because we certainly do not want to risk throwing our rings accidentally together with our gloves should they get caught. 

Conclusion:

Ultimately, we are very pleased with our purchase and we are about $400 below our budget which we have set initially for our wedding rings. It is possible to find good quality rings within our budget if you seek hard enough. If you are not brand conscious and want to be a prudent budget bride/bridegroom, I highly recommend you guys to check out Poh Kim Jewellery. It is really a hidden gem stone in Singapore and it would be such a pity if people do not discover it. 

After going down to that area for a few times (for my renovation and rings), it is actually very conveniently located, contrary to what I thought! There are many direct buses from Outram, Tiong Bahru, Chinatown and Habourfront MRT. Do check them out and happy planning for your wedding! 

My journey with IBS - review on TCM

Hello! Today I'm gonna talk about my (unfortunate) journey with IBS which is also known as Irritable Bowel syndrome. 

I remember I used to have an iron stomach - i.e. i could have eaten 3 bowls of rice + other dishes without issues and within a few hours, i'm ready for my next hunt. However, ever since a severe food poisoning episode when I was in Sec 2, my stomach was never the same again. 

Initially after the food poisoning episode, I noticed that i started having on and off periods of constipation and diarrhea. Increasingly, I developed flatulence which often resulted in embarrassing tummy sounds and sulphur packed fart... I really had no idea what was happening then and I could only attribute to my body 'recovering' from the bad food poisoning which lasted for about 2 weeks. 

Before I knew it, I've been living with such uncomfortable condition for at least 10 years. I did try to see a doctor before but I'm often told that it's either I'm stressed, not eating enough fiber, not exercising enough etc etc. But mind you... i do all these yet my condition seemed to have worsened over the years. TBH, I was at wits end because I've tried omeprazole, enzymes, constipation relief pills etc but nothing seemed to help. If it did, it is only temporary and the symptoms would be back with a vengeance lol. I did a lot of research on pubmed, google, youtube whatever and my symptoms seemed to point towards IBS. Although I did not get myself medically diagnosed as having IBS, I knew something wasn't right with me. 

Thus, I decided to try out TCM to see if I could regulate my body back to the norm? I know it definitely does not sound scientific in any way and as a science student and it was rather difficult for me to accept. However, when nothing seemed to work, any solution to me could be a possible light at the end of the tunnel. 

I've visited at least 2-3 other TCMs and each visit would cost me around $80 or more... while symptoms did improve, it didn't last. My only source of 'hope' seemed to be diminishing and I wanted to give up trying tcm. HOWEVER, my ibs problem was soooooo bad after university that whatever I ingest, my stomach bloats up like i'm 9 months pregnant and gosh it was really frustrating. I felt that if I did not find a way to relieve this problem, it's gonna affect my health or my mental health... 

Chia Kit Chay Medical Hall TCM

SO anyways I googled for good TCM around where I stay in 2019 and a blogpost regarding Chia Kit Chay Medical Hall popped up (The blog is no longer available). The blogger talked about how the physician managed to help her conceive despite after undergoing multiple failed attempts of IVF etc. OK, pregnancy and IBS has no relations but heck it, if he can help someone get pregnant even when IVF cannot, I gotta try this!!!

I went with negative expectations due to my previous failed attempts and I told myself that I will just give up if this wasn't gonna work through after 3 months of treatment. The first consultation was rather efficient and doc told my that I have IBS too (yay i'm not a paranoid and crazy patient). He suggested me to go down every week and I had to receive acupuncture + medication as well. He told me that I'm experiencing all these because I have a weak spleen (in the tcm concept) and thus he would have to strengthen my spleen. TBH, it's hard for my brain to wrap around this because I'm too used to western medicine but hey, if tcm has lasted throughout 5000 years of china history, it probably works. 

Did it work??

Lo and behold! After 6 months or so of treatment, my condition kinda stabilised and I no longer have frequent cycles of constipation and diarrhoea. I could also enjoy my food much better now without bloating up like I'm pregnant. Apart from that, my energy levels has improved greatly and I no longer feel so lethargic despite having a full 8 hours of sleep. Seriously thank god for sending this amazing doc and I really really cannot imagine myself struggling with this problem for the rest of my life!! Quality of life has drastically improved for me after my IBS has stabilised and I could feel that I am less irritable as a person as well. 

I went religiously every week from Nov 2019 until dengue strike in April 2020 and I was forced to take a hiatus of about 1 month. That's when I realised that my body was no longer 100% dependent on his medication/treatment for me to feel ok. This translate to the fact that my condition has improved! I still visit him now and then for other stuff and also to keep this problem at bay - but it's at most twice a month now :) 

About the physician

I found Physician Chia very frank but friendly. Instead of just treating my IBS problem, he treated me as a whole which I found different compared to other TCM I've visited. He shows genuine care to his patients and it was almost like meeting an old friend everytime i go for review haha. Whenever he finds patients in bad mood, he will often try to counsel them and advice them to look on the brighter side of things. I think this is something I really appreciate because after going for his treatment and AKA counselling sessions, his snippets of wisdom on life has rubbed off me a little. So if you are looking for a caring and zai physician, look no further! 

Cost 

The cost is definitely not cheap considering that I had to go down every single week. Each session was about $78 and it was a serious pinch to my wallet. However, as the saying goes that health is wealth, I'm actually very glad that at this point of time, my wealth is still able to buy me back my health and a peaceful stomach. With a fixed cost of $312 for TCM, I certainly had to cut down on other areas of my expenses to tide through. BUT IT IS WORTH IT!

IBS and ME now 

I guess IBS will always have a symbiotic relationship with me whether I like it or not. But at least it is a tamed kitty now. Although I do have some occasions where there is severe flatulence, the issue isn't as serious as before and I can live with this minor inconvenience. Living with a chronic condition isn't easy and it takes a lot of self motivation to overcome the pain and frustration. It is about learning how to cope with the problem mentally and also physically. To me, that would be to understand what are my triggers and how I could possible tweak my lifestyle to better manage the disease. 

I still experience basal bloating after I eat now, but at least it is manageable. I remember the bloating used to be so bad everyday that I could only wear loose preggy looking clothes because I did not want anyone else to notice my enlarged tummy. Fortunately now, I could at least wear some figure hugging clothes on good days :) 

What worked for me 

Stress was a major factor that contributed to the severity of my symptoms. Thus, I knew I had to regulate my stress levels. This included regular exercise (cardio, hiit, weights, yoga etc), journalling and deep breathing exercises. Not only did it help with my bloating, it improved my sleep and energy level as well. 

I began a log book on what triggers worsening of my bloating/diarrhoea/constipation and try to reduce the intake of these food. I tried my best to go on a low FODMAP food. While complete abstinence could be a solution, the physician also felt that maintaining a good quality of life is still important :) thank goodness I do not have to bid farewell to ice cream, desserts and spicy food :> Portion control is also important because overeating will certainly cause bloating even in normal people. I've noticed that banana and kiwi are especially effective for me to have normal bowel habits in the morning and thus have included them into my regular meals :) I'll share more in another post on specific changes I've made to my lifestyle. 

If you are struggling with IBS and would like to try TCM, you could try Mr Chia out! However, do note that he does not take appointments and every visit is strictly by walk ins only. Try to be early as he is very popular - the queue tends to balloon up within 30 minutes of opening. He is located near the selegie soyabean and diagonally opposite the famous Ponggol Nasi Lemak. The nearest MRT station is Kovan MRT and there are several buses that service that area also. I've included the address below, you can google to find out about his opening hours. Closed on Wednesdays and Public holidays. 

Chia Kit Chay Medical Hall: 1010-A Upper Serangoon Rd, Singapore 534748

5 things I will stop buying in 2021

It has almost been 2 weeks since 2021 started and I guess many people has thrown in some new year resolution into their routine as well! As for me, I think goals have to be specific in order for me to follow them and here are the 5 things that I think I should stop buying in 2021 :)

1. Cosmetics 

To begin with, I don't think I own that many cosmetics. Currently, I only own the Laneige cushion, colourpop eyeliner, some make up brushes, colour palette and eye shadow palette. Sadly, I've come to a conclusion that I really will not wear make up on a daily basis and there is no point for me to buy an array of cosmetics... it wouldn't really change my innate laziness to put on some makeup before I leave the house haha. Therefore, in other not to waste the existing make up, I've decided to try my best to finish them up and not add anything to the current collection. I am 100% sure that these products would either turn mouldy or expire way before I manage to finish them. 

Ever since COVID started and mask wearing has become mandatory, I've only put on my BB cushion ONCE(?!) and I still didn't like the feeling of having my make up rubbed off onto my mask. So really kudos to those warriors out there who doll themselves up nicely before they leave the house each day. I.really.cant. and I am just plain lazy >:

2. Beauty products 

I used to have this obsession with J-beauty, k-beauty and whatever beauty products that the market throws at me. I was a staunch believer of whatever routines that were thrown at me because I thought it could get my skin to be clearer and brighter. Hence, my beauty products included facial toner, essence, serum, eye cream, face cream, spot reducing cream, sleeping cream and sunblock (in the day). However, some way along last year, I've noticed that instead of getting clearer skin, it seemed that my skin had little bumps growing on it (yikes!) and perhaps it was getting saturated from the amount of stuff I slather onto my skin. 

I'm not denying the benefits of the different products but somehow I felt that my skin became better as I began to cut down on the number of products I use. Currently, I am only using toner, face cream +/- sunblock and occasionally some face mask. While I still have 3 different toners and 2 different face cream, I am trying to finish the bottles and focus on maximum 2 products each line in future. 

Cutting down on the steps of my skin care frees up time as well as mental space, which can be used to focus on more important or meaningful things (like blogging!). There is also less FOMO-ness as I used to catch up on what is the latest beauty trend. Life seems much simpler right now and I think my skin is loving it :) 

3. Fast fashion

As you all know, I cleared out almost 3-4 bags of my old clothes previously and many of them belonged to the fast fashion category. 

I used to LOVE going to Bugis street or buying from those $10-20 dollars clothing stores. These clothes are often in fashion and the price tag doesn't cause a huge damage to my wallet. However, what I failed to realise about fast fashion is that - they come and go. The materials used are often not of top quality, which is justified by the price tag, and cannot be worn over a long periods of time. This creates financial and environmental wastage. 

By avoiding fast fashion, I can channel my resources into better use: buy better quality clothes which can be worn multiple times and on different occasions :)

4. Shoes 

I could be a caterpillar in my previous life, I do not know... I still have 2 pairs of pazzion shoes in my room unworn since 2019 because the current pairs of shoes I have are still serving me relatively well. Oh, this brings me to another point that when buying shoes, one should also try to buy good quality shoes. While the pazzion shoes are darn expensive (~$80-90) per pair on average, I'm quite confident that I would be able to wear them for at least 2-3 years before needing a new pair. This is compared to my $15-$30 dollars pasat/taobao/ezbuy shoes which would often fall apart/delaminate after wearing <1 year or worse still <6 months after being insulted by rain :(

Similarly, I also have a pair of Onisuka tiger shoes that I've been wearing for 2 years plus now and it's still serving me really well. Although it has began to show signs of fatigue like holes at the back of the shoes, I must say that it has been a faithful servant haha. 

If you guys are looking for reliable working shoes, I highly recommend Pazzion! While they are expensive, their shoes have been one of the most comfortable shoes I've worn and my feet are blessed to have found them. Taking $90 as the cost price and if you are able to wear them for at least 3 years, it would be priced at $30 per year! Definitely a steal! 

When they say 一分钱一分货，it's really true!

5. Bags 

Writing this post really reminds me of my shopaholic tendencies when I was younger. I remember rather vividly how I really wanted to buy a few bags such as the rattan bags that was highly raved a few years back, and my soul was not calmed till I got my hands on it. However, shortly after getting it, the excitement worn off and now the poor bag is just sitting inside my cupboard. When my desires are controlled by materials, it is difficult to stay contented because there will always be more things that I can want. 

Moving on, I would continue to make use of the bags that I currently own and try not to add any additional ones into my stash unless I manage to give away/sell the ones that I already have. Even so, the bag should be functional, multi-purpose and versatile. This reduces the need for different types of bag and reduces clutter in my house. Again, I am also trying to move away from buying cheap and poor quality bags because they really do not last. My friend's bugis bag lasted for a week(?) while mine lasted for max 5 wears. 

I often overvalue how much an item could bring happiness to me. However, in reality these things will never confer the kind of lasting joy my soul longs for. We are but just nomads in this life and I am trying to remind myself to live light and enjoy the sceneries instead. I hope to adjust my life so that it is less cluttered and my mind would be freer to pursue what really satisfies. 

So here are the 5 things I would (*hopefully*) stop buying in 2021. What are some of yours? 

Disney Pixar Soul

年初一，我和男友偶然在电影院的网站上收讯都此动画电影。这是一部关于‘灵魂’的一部电影。看了看网民的评论还蛮不错的，就决定去看一看。 

在新的一年观看了这类型的电影，颇有有感概。

这是一部关于人生，死亡和人生目标的一部电影。电影中的男主角就在当他在终于得到梦寐以求的表演机会时，发生了一场意外，命悬旦夕。就在这时，他的灵魂被送往人死后的世界，和其他灵魂排队等着超生。但是，他很明确的意识到：他的生命不应该在这一天结束。而且不能够在他还未上台表演之前结束。因为这是他毕生愿望，若无法达成他是不会善罢甘休的。可惜的是，经过他费劲脑汁的一番苦心，他的灵魂阴差阳错的落入一直猫的身上，而另外一个从未出生的灵魂‘22’则落入男主角的身体里。具体的故事你们就看一下电影吧。接下来分享的是我的感悟：）

1. 追求的目标不能是我们人生的全部

很多时候，我们总会把我们的目标变成我们人生的全部。比如说，我们为了在事业上干一份成就，成天废寝忘食，忽略了家人朋友和自己。电影的主角便是这样：为了能够获取上爵士舞台表演，他仿佛满脑子只有爵士。任何事物都入不了他的眼。即便去剪头发时，也只有和发型师了爵士的话题，根本没有注意到可能发型师也有自己想要分享的话题。在男主角的世界里，仿佛只有爵士才能让他生活。但是，很纳闷的是：当男主角成功的登上舞台的时候，他发现自己好想没有想象中的那般喜悦。反而，他自问：“接下来该怎么办？”。朋友回答说：“就这样，每晚回来同样的舞台表演吧。” 这时的他，感觉现实好像没有和梦想对称。。。

人生确实需要目标。倘若没有目标，我们便会和剧中的“22”一样飘荡着。相反的，倘若我们的目标使我们沦陷于不可自拔的世界中，我们也同时失去人生。所以，我从这部电影学到的是凡事都的讲究平衡。不要义无反顾的狂追目标。目标可以是人生的一部分，但万万不能成为人生的全部。记得放慢脚步吧。因为每一个我们能够实现的梦想往往都不会和曾经想象中的甜蜜。刚刚得逞的愿望的喜悦也是会被时光冲洗掉的。

2. 记得在人生的旅途中欣赏风景

看，男主角突然间就挂了。人生中有谁能够精准的预言自己的死亡时期呢？我们岂不是都能在任何时间地点面对死亡吗？下一秒，心脏可能就停了。明天可能被诊断癌症。明年可能就是最后一年了？在面对死亡的时候，我们难道会遗憾没有挣多一点钱，多做一点工作；还是我们会遗憾没有抽多一点时间陪伴家人朋友，抽空去看一看最像看的风景吗？

人生短暂，世事无常。这部电影提醒了我要热爱生活和珍惜身边的人。其实所谓的人生就是我们学会生活的开始。散步的时候闻一下花草树木的芬芳；喝茶的时候慢慢的品尝它独特的味道和温度；当风很雨迎面而来时，试着享受着它们的触摸。这或许就是我们所追求的简单但幸福的感觉吧？

3. 没有一个人生出来就有附来使命

这个对我来说是蛮深刻的。为什么呢？从小到大，我一直在寻找我的使命：早期，我以为是在学校考到好成绩，然后找到一份称心的工作。工作便是我的使命吧？可是当考上梦寐以求的学校和开始了那工作以后，真的没有想象中的那样快乐和兴奋。渐渐的，生活的点点滴滴也成功的融化掉那好成绩或好工作的荣耀感。这感觉顿时让我慌了。那么我的我来到这个世界的目的到底是什么？这种在黑暗中摸索的滋味，让我的心掏空，也有点措手无策。

其实没有一个人生出来就有附来使命。人生是一个旅程而不是重点。不要一味的追求什么人生宗旨和使命，而好好的体验人生的每一个阶段。把生活活得最干脆，最开心就好。或许人生便是这样的一般，就算我们争取多少金银珠宝我们的心也总会有一部分不完美。与其想尽办法想把那一块缺陷给填补，以为那便是我们毕生所追求的 ‘使命’，不如把心静下来而好好的体会生活吧。不要为了那 ‘使命’ 而折腾自己。或许我们的使命便是活在当下，活出最灿烂和真是的自己。或许我们对生活的态度从容了，‘使命’ 便会登上门了？

希望我们在新的一年能够认真面对自己·我们是不是把心灵的需求给忽略了？希望我们大家为蒙蔽的心灵洗涤，开始生活吧☺

Things I would do differently in 2021

 Looking forward into the new year, there are things which I hope I can improve on and things which I would do differently. 

Spiritual 

It is my prayer that God would help me to be more desperate for Him. Make my desire, passion and purpose be Christ and not of the world. Purify my intentions and make them pure so that they will be pleasing aroma to you. I pray that I will be aided in my spiritual disciplines because what a great sinner and wanderer I am. While I'll definitely not drift into holiness, I pray that I will be pulled back by your grace should I drift away from your holiness. 

Thankful for my friend who have gifted me the one year bible and the study book ~ been always wanting to help my lazy and undisciplined self to finish reading the bible in one year. Praying that I will be more intentional in spending quiet time and meditating on His words and not just rushing through it like it's part of my checklist. 

More of you and less of me in the year 2021 :)

Self 

I hope I can learn to be kinder to myself by not entertaining self depleting comments whenever something goes wrong. It takes patience and grace with myself to forgive my own mistakes and accept that I can never be perfect. And that's really okay. 

Being less judgemental and critical of others. We are all only human and none of us can declare that we are infallible. Who am I then to sit on my high horse to condemn others of their mistakes when I make mistakes as well? Perhaps part of growing up also means learning to accept people for who they are and not to be too quick to jump to a judgement. 

Work 

I guess as we start to get use to work and are settled down, we can become bored of the mundane and repetitive things. But yes I am really thankful that I still have a job despite the terrible economic outlook from Covid-19. 

Something I would like to do differently would be grumble less and to do things to the best of my ability. Grumbling seems to decrease my willingness to serve and do my best. And I hope that I would go through this year with Colossians 3:23 in mind that whatever my hands find to do, do it heartily, as to the Lord , and not unto men. 

While God has not promised a smooth sailing life for us after becoming Christians, we are promised to have our rewards in heaven. Man may not see our hard work or may even be scornful towards us despite our purest intentions. However, I pray that I will commit my work unto His hands and let my soul find rest in Him. 

Mindset 

Going forward, I hope to develop a growth mindset where I shall regard every challenge or difficulty as an opportunity for growth and development. This would also translate to less grumbling in the year ahead and to be more at peace even if the situation does not seem to go my way. While I seek to improve in different aspects of my life, I also want to learn how to be more content with what I am blessed with. Contentment probably wouldn't fall into my lap easily and it is much easier for me to see what I am lacking compared to what I am blessed with. Hence, I hope to be intentional about this and to find something I am thankful for and give thanks for it everyday. 

In the new year, I hope to slowly lay aside the heart of comparison and envy. While I think certain amount of comparison is necessary to see what I may improve on, excessive comparison is unhealthy and would plunge me into a state of despair. This includes active comparison on my side where I compare myself with others and also passive comparison whereby people compare themselves to me. Laying aside the weight of comparison would liberate myself from the state of insufficiency and I would not have to live life through perpetual anxiety. Everyone is different and everyone has their own unique set of challenges and struggles. What they present on social media are curated truths and one will never be able to know what's going on exactly in their lives. Therefore, it is futile to look at that facade and conclude that my life is less worthy or less happening compared to theirs and feel unhappy. I am enough. God is enough and has provided me whatever I already need. It is always easier to see what I am lacking and feel uneasy instead of being thankful of what I already have because I am often so ungrateful! Moving forward, I hope to cultivate a thankful and contented heart :) 

The next thing I would like to change would be the mindset of penny wise, pound foolish. I'm really guilty of this because I love to purchase cheap and affordable things, fooling myself into thinking that I've gotten a real bargain when in actual fact, would pay to spend more thereafter. What do I mean by this? I've realised that buying cheap and poor quality products may save me some costs initially but these things tend to need more replacements often and the total cost may end up more than just getting one pricier but better quality product. Examples would be buying fast fashion on ezbuy, cotton on, bugis etc. While the prices are attractive, the material tends to fray easily and sadly, cheap products will tend to look cheap. I'm not saying that it's impossible to buy good deals and good products if the price is cheap, but i think the chances are slimmer from my own experience. I hope to take this new mindset to my house renovation and try not to just go for the cheapest materials possible because I do not want things to break down almost immediately after I start to stay on lol. 

Finally, as an extension of learning to be more contented with what I already have, I want to start adopting the mindset of having less is more. Instead of having additions to my existing life, I would want to subtract things from my life. This helps me focus on things that I absolutely need and not entrench myself in a cycle of want. When my wants get lesser, I am able to focus more on my needs. This helps me to generate less wastage and be a more mindful consumer and better steward of my resources. 

So that's all for now, wishing everyone a happy 2021 ahead :)  

Looking back at 2020

It is almost mandatory to do a reflection on 2020 when it comes to the end of the year betul? To make the post more readable and also to facilitate my reflection, i'll be breaking the post up into categories :) 

Relationship 

So the greatest change this year was that after I've received the coveted sapphire stone, I've evolved into T's fiance! We have been dating for about 2.5 years now and when he asked, I gotta catch him all! ✌

It has been a challenging year as per other couples especially during the circuit breaker period. I was down with dengue and we couldn't meet unless through Facetime and that was really sad :( But through that period, I think both of us grew more secure in the relationship and I guess how we both pokemons got to evolve. 

Finances 

As per my previous blog post (sry it's in chinese haha), I talked about how I gave away almost 3-4 bags of clothings. During that process of Marie-kondo-ing, I've realised how wasteful I've been and what a hoarder I was/am LOL. (i'm still very much a work in progress haha).

One of the largest reason for my diverse (read ridiculous) collection of clothings was that I believed things could buy me happiness subconsciously. That meant that whenever I felt unhappy or emotionally insecure, I would buy stuff... while the things that I buy don't usually cost a bomb, these little costs add up and amount to a lot of money. Being more aware of taking care of the environment also helps me to be more conscious about my consumption.

Somewhere along September this year, I really told myself that I NEED TO STOP BUYING unnecessary things! First, I'm contributing more to the waste generation and indirectly killing the environment and secondly, these material goods will never buy me the happiness that I want! While it would definitely sound impressive if i were to say that I stopped buying anything immediately, I didn't. Instead, I gave myself small milestones: 

1. I am only allowed to buy 1 piece of clothing every 2 months. 

2. Give myself 1 month to think before I make the purchase. If I still want it after 1 month, then go for it. If not then don't buy it. This prevents me from making impulsive decisions especially when retailers throw their marketing strategies at you. **of course, i still fail at times** 

So far I don't think I've bought anything unnecessary for the past 2 months and I'm proud of myself that I've not succumbed to the x'mas and new year's sale tactics thus far (fingers crossed).

Overall, it has been an upward learning curve this year as I learn how to manage my expenditure and maximise my savings rate especially with my wedding and renovation coming up. Across the year, my frivolous expenditure has dipped although I saw my necessary expenditure going up! Onward soldier! 

Work 

Work has always meant to glorify God but ever since it has been tainted by sin, men has always suffered from the futility of work. 

For many months, I wrestled with myself. I wondered almost everyday if I chose the wrong profession or if I was simply just not good enough? Why weren't my efforts not recognised by my bosses despite putting in my best efforts and even to the extent of pushing myself? Was I not working hard enough? Why are there unfair treatments in the workplace? Aren't we all the same? 

To be honest, many of these questions remain unanswered. However, through praying and reading christian books, one thing is for sure - God created work so that through work we can glorify him. The angst and anguish I've felt resulted from my misplaced self esteem. I placed my importance on human recognition and not on God's pleasure. I valued people's praises more than my creator's attention. My priorities were mixed up and my idolatry was simply to be recognised. 

To be fair, it is not wrong to be desire to be known. Don't we all want to be known by someone we love or for some talent we have? However, the problem lies at where we crave the attention from. One can never be satisfied even if the whole world's spot light is on you. One will somehow still feel incomplete and unaccomplished. What I've come to realise slowly was that when I work, I should work to please the audience of One. When the false god of success, achievement and fame shatters, let the one true God be enthrone. When I discovered the goodness of just seeking the attention of One, I felt the peace, and comfort that I've never felt before. My soul rested upon him. His yoke is indeed easy and burden is light.

To qualify, I am not saying that I no longer experience the futility and meaningless of work since then. Rather, whenever such pangs threaten to strike, I know that my work has a higher purpose and that even if I do not receive any praise or rewards from man, my reward is in heaven. 

if you guys are interested, i recommend reading "Every good endeavours" by Timothy Keller if you are feeling jaded and worn out :) 

Friendships 

It has been a humbling year for me - a year of lows and deep search of what it means to be friend and to have a friend. It's funny because I don't have many friends and yet this year I think the number just went down even further haha. 

Good friends help to sharpen each other and I'm really thankful for those few friends who stuck by me despite seeing the worst of me. As we go through disagreements, we learn how to respect each other and also to learn how to be a better friend to each other. I'm really glad that for those who are still here, our friendships got purer, deeper and kinder. 

But there are just a few friendships where no matter how hard I try, it makes me reconsider each time. In my opinion, true friends are there to celebrate your successes and are there for you when you are down. Hence, I struggle when I received more negativity and putting down compared to mutual encouragements. 

As I slowly learn to live life like a subtraction sum 减法生活, I realised that I really do not need toxic friends in my life. Some are friends I've known almost a decade or more and to be honest, it's really difficult to make the decision to let it go. However, I don't think it should carry on simply because every time we hang out, I end up leaving the meeting feeling more horrible about myself than ever. Sometimes I ended up having obsessive or anxious thoughts which were really difficult to deal with. That's really unnecessary. When I finally convinced myself that it is indeed a more prudent to remove that shrivelling branch, I felt more relief. 

Some other friends are not toxic but we just gradually grew apart. There is no space for either of us in our respective lives anymore. Perhaps it could be different phases in life or it could just be that our paths just continued to diverge. As the friendship grew apart, I remember trying every other month asking how have they been and remembering their special occasions. I tried arranging meet ups but it has often been met with the same excuse of being busy. Eventually I stopped asking altogether because I've realised that people who want to be in your life will make an effort to stay in life despite how busy they are. There's really no point forcing someone to stay in your life when they don't want to. It's sad but it's ok, we will all move on stronger :) 缘已尽

It's a reminder to myself that it is not the number of friends that I have but the quality of friendships that I develop.

Spiritual growth 

I'm definitely not proud of my spiritual life this year. I've had lots of emotional struggle and sometimes I blame God for those challenges. However, thank God that he never lets his wandering child away too long and always run towards the prodigal child whenever I decide to return. While I seldom get those spiritual highs like when I was younger, I'm thankful for a slow and steadfast peace from Him. 

As life got aimless and purposeless, God was there to be provide meaning. I am thankful for technology which allowed us to attend virtual church and discussion groups at the comfort of our homes. Thankful for BSF as I got to learn more about Genesis which is not just about how God created the earth but how he intended life for us. Praying that the Covid situation would get better and churches would reopen soon. 

Self development 

I'm proud of my Korean and Malay class progress so far! Hopefully I can keep this up next year as well :) It has been a fun filled journey learning the new languages and discovering how the language affects my thought processes as well. Looking forward to be able to finally watch korean dramas without subtitles :)

I'm still on the continuous journey of learning how to love and be kind to myself. Don't we beat ourselves up sometimes for the tiniest mistake and yet are much accepting to the faults of others sometimes? It's ok to make mistakes and the most important thing would be to learn from the mistake and move on. 

Lastly, I am also really glad that I've restarted blogging after so many years of hiatus. It reminded me how much I loved writing especially in chinese. I'll definitely blog more in chinese next year and I'm really excited :) 

okie that's all for this post! Happy New year everybody :] Will write another post on my plans and resolutions for the new year soon! 

断舍离 Danshari ~ breaking away from the clutches of things

突发奇想，好想用中文写一片文章。记得小时候，中文便是我的最爱。因为它很美，非常能够抓住情绪的重点和含义。但是，由于教育的关系，我不得不把中文搁在一旁，努力的为英文效力，争取好成绩。

真的好久好久没有用中文发文章了。。。想一下，应该有10年吧？😵 希望今天的文章还是能够转达我心中的感悟。 

大家请看一看吧！这是我断舍离之前的衣柜和断舍离之后的衣柜。我依然还是又很多件衣服 - 其实变化真的没有网上Marie Kondo那一般的惊人。但是我还是对我迈出的第一步感到骄傲和欣慰：）

什么是断舍离呢？

百度：“《断舍离》是日本山下英子创作的家庭生活类著作，于2009年首次出版。

该书主要讲述了日本杂物管理咨询师山下英子推出的概念：断等于不买、不收取不需要的东西，舍等于处理掉堆放在家里没用的东西。离等于舍弃对物质的迷恋，让自己处于宽敞舒适，自由自在的空间”

我总共捐了3-4袋的衣服吧。当我在分类衣服时，心中是蛮挣扎的。为什么呢？每当我看见一件好久没有穿上的衣服的时候，我总会联想起关于那件衣服的回忆或者是某种意义。比如说“啊，这是我在韩国旅行逛街时买的。。。这是我和男朋友第一次约会穿的。。。这是我在毕业典礼穿的。。。这是。。。可能以后可能有机会用到呢？” 等的理由会浮现在我的潜意识里。这是我一直以来无法成功整理我的衣柜的原因。 但是今天我还是下定了决心，把已经不适合我的或者买了从来不穿的衣服捐出去吧。

在断舍离的期间，我有了些许感悟。接下来和大家分享吧：

1. 快乐不应该取决于东西

看了我爆满的几袋衣服，我有点愧疚。很多件衣服都是一时冲动而买下来的。我以为买了它，我就能够开心，我就能够满足。或许穿了这件漂亮的小洋装，我就会被注意或者我的心灵会得到慰问？

原来，内心的知足来自于自我了解和成长。当心灵逐渐变得强大，我渐渐的明白来自于物品的快乐是极余短暂的，简直是昙花一现。当我明白简单其实很美好的时候，我发觉我越来越少以狂购来慰问我的心灵了。 Less is more :)

2. 不要成为物品的奴隶

很多时候当我们在做大扫除时，我们总是把东西拿出来，很想要丢而到最后又把它放回原位。我也会。虽然这次的断舍离我还是又被这中感觉征服了好几件，但还是有进步！

我们好像是在这些看似毫无价值的东西投入太多的感情和给予它太多的控制力了。每当我们想要把东西丢掉时，总是舍不得。切记：生不带来，死不带去。无需在身外物投射太多的情感和欲望。不要成为它们的奴隶。我们才是它们的主人。

3. 不要奢侈浪费

虽然说我所买的衣服都不是什么昂贵的品牌，但是累积起来的金钱数目应该至少又$500以上吧。因为之前真的很喜欢去便宜的购物街，或者在网上代购，很多件都不是属于很好的材质。穿了几次便会出毛或者走样。

每当我丢一件，我会牢牢地提醒自己当时到底有多浪费。把这笔钱用于读书或者益于自我提升的课程岂不是更好吗？我现在还不是属于网红的断舍离的极端主义者，所以不能肯定的说我以后不会再买衣服。但是我认为以后如果真的要买的话，就要买自己会反复穿的衣服，而不是那种暂时时髦但很快就会退潮的fast fashion. 若要买的话，要问一下自己能够在不同场合穿吗？质量也要好，不然买了穿了不几下就得丢了，浪费。

～

小时候我总会听到节俭便是美德。刚开始只是以为这是金钱上的省而已。长大后了解了深一层的含义：不要贪小便宜。便宜的东西未必是好货，有时候反而还害你浪费更多的金钱和时间去筛选。这也是对我自己的小小的提醒：若要购物的话，得物廉价美。不是所有的东西得用价钱来衡量。

看着比较整洁的衣柜后，整个人感觉比较轻松清爽了。感觉好像生活的累赘没有那么的沉重了。原本被物质控制的心态枷锁，慢慢的被解开了。

现在的我依然是不完美的。以后的某一天我可能又会掉进物质享受的坑之中。当时我为我现在的启发感到骄傲，而我会成为我最佳支持者。希望2021我会越来越了解自己，越来越满足，越来越知足常乐😁