It is almost mandatory to do a reflection on 2020 when it comes to the end of the year betul? To make the post more readable and also to facilitate my reflection, i'll be breaking the post up into categories :)
Relationship
So the greatest change this year was that after I've received the coveted sapphire stone, I've evolved into T's fiance! We have been dating for about 2.5 years now and when he asked, I gotta catch him all! ✌
It has been a challenging year as per other couples especially during the circuit breaker period. I was down with dengue and we couldn't meet unless through Facetime and that was really sad :( But through that period, I think both of us grew more secure in the relationship and I guess how we both pokemons got to evolve.
Finances
As per my previous blog post (sry it's in chinese haha), I talked about how I gave away almost 3-4 bags of clothings. During that process of Marie-kondo-ing, I've realised how wasteful I've been and what a hoarder I was/am LOL. (i'm still very much a work in progress haha).
One of the largest reason for my diverse (read ridiculous) collection of clothings was that I believed things could buy me happiness subconsciously. That meant that whenever I felt unhappy or emotionally insecure, I would buy stuff... while the things that I buy don't usually cost a bomb, these little costs add up and amount to a lot of money. Being more aware of taking care of the environment also helps me to be more conscious about my consumption.
Somewhere along September this year, I really told myself that I NEED TO STOP BUYING unnecessary things! First, I'm contributing more to the waste generation and indirectly killing the environment and secondly, these material goods will never buy me the happiness that I want! While it would definitely sound impressive if i were to say that I stopped buying anything immediately, I didn't. Instead, I gave myself small milestones:
1. I am only allowed to buy 1 piece of clothing every 2 months.
2. Give myself 1 month to think before I make the purchase. If I still want it after 1 month, then go for it. If not then don't buy it. This prevents me from making impulsive decisions especially when retailers throw their marketing strategies at you. **of course, i still fail at times**
So far I don't think I've bought anything unnecessary for the past 2 months and I'm proud of myself that I've not succumbed to the x'mas and new year's sale tactics thus far (fingers crossed).
Overall, it has been an upward learning curve this year as I learn how to manage my expenditure and maximise my savings rate especially with my wedding and renovation coming up. Across the year, my frivolous expenditure has dipped although I saw my necessary expenditure going up! Onward soldier!
Work
Work has always meant to glorify God but ever since it has been tainted by sin, men has always suffered from the futility of work.
For many months, I wrestled with myself. I wondered almost everyday if I chose the wrong profession or if I was simply just not good enough? Why weren't my efforts not recognised by my bosses despite putting in my best efforts and even to the extent of pushing myself? Was I not working hard enough? Why are there unfair treatments in the workplace? Aren't we all the same?
To be honest, many of these questions remain unanswered. However, through praying and reading christian books, one thing is for sure - God created work so that through work we can glorify him. The angst and anguish I've felt resulted from my misplaced self esteem. I placed my importance on human recognition and not on God's pleasure. I valued people's praises more than my creator's attention. My priorities were mixed up and my idolatry was simply to be recognised.
To be fair, it is not wrong to be desire to be known. Don't we all want to be known by someone we love or for some talent we have? However, the problem lies at where we crave the attention from. One can never be satisfied even if the whole world's spot light is on you. One will somehow still feel incomplete and unaccomplished. What I've come to realise slowly was that when I work, I should work to please the audience of One. When the false god of success, achievement and fame shatters, let the one true God be enthrone. When I discovered the goodness of just seeking the attention of One, I felt the peace, and comfort that I've never felt before. My soul rested upon him. His yoke is indeed easy and burden is light.
To qualify, I am not saying that I no longer experience the futility and meaningless of work since then. Rather, whenever such pangs threaten to strike, I know that my work has a higher purpose and that even if I do not receive any praise or rewards from man, my reward is in heaven.
if you guys are interested, i recommend reading "Every good endeavours" by Timothy Keller if you are feeling jaded and worn out :)
Friendships
It has been a humbling year for me - a year of lows and deep search of what it means to be friend and to have a friend. It's funny because I don't have many friends and yet this year I think the number just went down even further haha.
Good friends help to sharpen each other and I'm really thankful for those few friends who stuck by me despite seeing the worst of me. As we go through disagreements, we learn how to respect each other and also to learn how to be a better friend to each other. I'm really glad that for those who are still here, our friendships got purer, deeper and kinder.
But there are just a few friendships where no matter how hard I try, it makes me reconsider each time. In my opinion, true friends are there to celebrate your successes and are there for you when you are down. Hence, I struggle when I received more negativity and putting down compared to mutual encouragements.
As I slowly learn to live life like a subtraction sum 减法生活, I realised that I really do not need toxic friends in my life. Some are friends I've known almost a decade or more and to be honest, it's really difficult to make the decision to let it go. However, I don't think it should carry on simply because every time we hang out, I end up leaving the meeting feeling more horrible about myself than ever. Sometimes I ended up having obsessive or anxious thoughts which were really difficult to deal with. That's really unnecessary. When I finally convinced myself that it is indeed a more prudent to remove that shrivelling branch, I felt more relief.
Some other friends are not toxic but we just gradually grew apart. There is no space for either of us in our respective lives anymore. Perhaps it could be different phases in life or it could just be that our paths just continued to diverge. As the friendship grew apart, I remember trying every other month asking how have they been and remembering their special occasions. I tried arranging meet ups but it has often been met with the same excuse of being busy. Eventually I stopped asking altogether because I've realised that people who want to be in your life will make an effort to stay in life despite how busy they are. There's really no point forcing someone to stay in your life when they don't want to. It's sad but it's ok, we will all move on stronger :) 缘已尽
It's a reminder to myself that it is not the number of friends that I have but the quality of friendships that I develop.
Spiritual growth
I'm definitely not proud of my spiritual life this year. I've had lots of emotional struggle and sometimes I blame God for those challenges. However, thank God that he never lets his wandering child away too long and always run towards the prodigal child whenever I decide to return. While I seldom get those spiritual highs like when I was younger, I'm thankful for a slow and steadfast peace from Him.
As life got aimless and purposeless, God was there to be provide meaning. I am thankful for technology which allowed us to attend virtual church and discussion groups at the comfort of our homes. Thankful for BSF as I got to learn more about Genesis which is not just about how God created the earth but how he intended life for us. Praying that the Covid situation would get better and churches would reopen soon.
Self development
I'm proud of my Korean and Malay class progress so far! Hopefully I can keep this up next year as well :) It has been a fun filled journey learning the new languages and discovering how the language affects my thought processes as well. Looking forward to be able to finally watch korean dramas without subtitles :)
I'm still on the continuous journey of learning how to love and be kind to myself. Don't we beat ourselves up sometimes for the tiniest mistake and yet are much accepting to the faults of others sometimes? It's ok to make mistakes and the most important thing would be to learn from the mistake and move on.
Lastly, I am also really glad that I've restarted blogging after so many years of hiatus. It reminded me how much I loved writing especially in chinese. I'll definitely blog more in chinese next year and I'm really excited :)
okie that's all for this post! Happy New year everybody :] Will write another post on my plans and resolutions for the new year soon!
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